Marriage doesn't look like a Chick Flick

I definitely married out of my league.  I pretty much fell for Kyle the moment we met my freshman year of college.  He introduced himself to me (and my friends) and invited us to come to FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes).  I think my thoughts must have been something like, "Yeah, I'll come!!!"

Well, I did.  And I got to become friends with that extremely handsome, outgoing, hilarious, talented, confident but not arrogant guy named Kyle Williams. I kept hoping it would turn into "more than friends" but that was still pretty much just a dream. That summer, I remember meeting other guys but Kyle had raised the bar so high, no one else could even compare. We both returned to school that fall, but still we were just friends. At some point I realized that it wasn't healthy for me to keep liking someone who didn't feel the same way about me. So I determined I would stop liking him. That lasted about a week. 

Kyle and me on our first date...we went out to dinner and
then Toys R Us (sounds like what we do now for fun)

If any young ladies are reading this out there, I just want to say, "Dreams do come true! The proof: Kyle asked me out on a date that December!" This same girl who couldn't even hold it together to eat a bowl of cereal in the same cafeteria with this guy (I would literally be shaking because I was so crazy about Kyle and so afraid that he would see right through me if he looked me in the eyes) was now about to go on a DATE with him!

Truly, it was a dream come true!  The first date led to many more and eventually an engagement ring about a year later and wedding vows about a year after that. I guess you could say it was a fairy-tale beginning.

My College Sweetheart!

Now, I like a good love story just as much as anyone. I like chick flicks and Disney movies, and I'm even a sucker for those Hallmark Channel movies that my husband likes to makes fun of (I don't care that the plot line is totally predictable, I still like them!).  And what makes me mad is when a movie has a sad ending, like in Mrs. Doubtfire...I didn't just want him to come visit the kids, I wanted them to get back together!  

But what happens sometimes is that these "happily ever after" movies end up creating an unrealistic view of what marriage should look like. It's a lot different in real life. It's not something you can fit into a 3 hour time slot with an hour and a half of commercials.

Last weekend, my dad did the wedding for my dear sweet cousin who had been one of the flower girls in our wedding (am I getting old?). Anyway, it was a charge to the bride and groom but really we all needed to hear it. He shared from a book called "The Meaning of Marriage" where the author, Tim Keller, gives an open, honest look into the real picture of marriage. He writes:

"I'm tired of listening to sentimental talks on marriage. At weddings, in church, and in Sunday School, much of what I've heard on the subject has as much depth as a Hallmark card. While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious but hard. It's burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories. No marriage I know more than a few weeks old could be described as a fairy tale come true. Therefore, it is not surprising that the only phrase in Paul's famous discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5 that many couples can relate to is verse 32. Sometimes you fall into bed, after a long hard day of trying to understand each other, and you can only sigh: 'This is all a profound mystery!'

Just to clarify, this is not meant to dog on Hallmark, I'm actually a big fan.

I think what Keller is trying to convey is that marriage lived out in the day-to-day workings is more about acts of the will rather than a sentimental journey. We had a fairy-tale start, but we've had a real marriage just like everyone else. Sometimes it's been really fun and wonderful, at other times it's been brutally hard (probably more for Kyle than me), and needless to say, it's brought out the best and worst of both of us.

But by God's grace, we're still here, working on our 14th year of marriage.  I say "working" because it takes physical and emotional fortitude to make this work.  You can't just go on what you feel.  Tim Keller also writes:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” 

Father's Day is this Sunday. I don't know how you feel about your man right now. Maybe you're at a place where you really are overwhelmed with admiration and respect, and honoring him on this special day is going to come very naturally. Or maybe that's not where you're at. Maybe it's been a rough year. Maybe there's been a lot of stress and issues that haven't been resolved.  Maybe you don't feel like helping the kids make something special for Daddy right now.

If you're not quite feelin' the love at this moment, I just want to encourage you to ask God for the strength to do those acts of love, kindness and respect for your husband even right now. Doing what you don't feel like doing is what our marriage vows are really all about, commitment in spite of our feelings...actually, that's really what the best love stories are made of.

One way you can do something is to honor your husband this Father's Day. Sometimes just a card with a sentence or two of encouragement can go a long way:

I respect you because __________________________________________.

I appreciate the way you __________________________________________.

I know there are tons of other fun, creative ideas out there to do for Father's Day, but I also know sometimes we get so busy that we forget to even buy a card.

This is my heads up, too.  I need to go buy mine.  :-)

-Rachel